I’m very triggered right now. In fact I feel utterly furious and broken and betrayed by the church that I love. I still believe in the beautiful gospel of Jesus Christ. I just don't love His patriarchal church institution at this moment.
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Introductory Material:
I stumbled upon an AP news article explicitly describing how leaders of our church chose to keep a sexual child abuse situation secret for years. In fact, they were encouraged to from our church “abuse help line” used only by priesthood church leaders. They were warned they could be sued if they reported because of clergy-confidentiality privilege. (Not true.) What is likely true is the validity of this AP news article. AP News tends to be one of the more factual and lesser biased news outlets around. It’s not like this was in a scandalous tabloid or something.
I then read the official response from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. It was almost as triggering as the AP news story itself. They attempted to talk the talk, but I’m not sure they can claim to walk the walk, not in this. This statement wasn't apologetic, transparent, nor empathetic. It was defensive and full of excuses and seemed to continue to protect “clergy-penitent privilege.”
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My Questions and Reflections:
Q. A one-time thing? Or more pervasive?
If this is a one-time anecdotal incident, why is it bothering me so much?
Of course it’s triggering because of my own lived childhood history of incest, but it feels like so much more than that. It feels personal. Why?
It’s impossible to believe this isn’t a one-time anecdotal incident. It’s so much more, so many more stories like mine, so many more victims, so many more priesthood holder perpetrators, so many more secrets.
It’s a pattern, it’s a subtle paradigm allowed by the patriarchal structure of our institution that gives adult men more voice and more control over women and children. The men in our lives are taught to be the providers, the presiders, the leaders, the administrators, and the officiators. The women are taught to be nurturers, supporters, helpers, domestic workers, and culturally more submissive. These gender roles are supposed to be “different but equal,” but they’re too easily warped into something more subversive. And children have even less of a voice for self-advocacy.
This institutional paradigm was a big factor in how my dad was able to abuse my sister and I for so long.
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Q. The church says they care about children, but do they care about priesthood holders and money more?
It sounds like in this instance anyway, this inner sanctum church-run “abuse help line” prioritized protecting clergy-confidentiality (and the slight possibility of being sued), over the safety of children. Basically money and the safety of the priesthood leadership was more important here than a child’s safety. It also sounds like some of the problem lies in our state laws providing loopholes for clergy to not report. It sickens me, anytime a system (even once) priorities adult men or institutional money over abuse victims.
It's the “Uvalde mindset” all over again, only a massive spiritual slaughter instead of a purely physical one.
I wish and hope that the church would protect the gospel more than its own priesthood leaders.
This is not the gospel I know and love. The gospel I know and love says:
“Suffer the little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of God.” Mark 10:14
“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” Ephesians 6:4
“Verily I say unto you, except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven. Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoso shall receive one such little child in my name receiveth me. But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.” Matthew 18:3-6
“But they that will be rich fall into temptation and a snare, and into many foolish and hurtful lusts, which drown men in destruction and perdition.” Timothy 6:9
“For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” Matthew 6:21
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Q. How can the church justify this “help line”?
I've never been so grateful for the bishop I had at the time when I finally drummed up the courage to report my 16 years of sexual abuse. It was supposedly the same year that this “help line” was established. Luckily my bishop followed local reporting protocol guidelines. Although, now that I think about it, I’m wondering if he had my mom call the authorities when she was in his office, or if it was him. I don’t actually know.
Why do we even have a church-run abuse “help line” anyway? Why do our leaders not call one of the national or state reporting numbers? It’s never a good idea for any organization to police its own. Power protects power, or in this case maybe it's priesthood protects priesthood?
—update—I've since found out that this helpline might be a third party company with lawyers available 24/7 for these volunteer bishops to clarify what their correct legal steps are in any given situation based on their country, state, and county laws. There are many areas that have inexcusable loopholes protecting clergy or institutions over children. So now we need to petition our local and state representatives for change as well!
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Q. How can the church justify secrets?
Why is our church so adamant about keeping its secrets under the guise of confidentiality, or sacredness, or a need-to-know kind of mentality? Why is it so hard for our church institution to be transparent in administrative and financial decisions? It ends up creating a system and lifestyle that easily harbors corrosive secrets.
Secrets are not of God.
Secrets are where shame and abuse thrive.
Abuse couldn’t exist without secretive patterns of behavior.
Secrets make it all possible. It’s all so wrong.
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Q. Why are we so behind (or maybe even heading in a backwards direction) as a church institution?
It sounds like church reporting protocols may not have improved as much I was was hoping since my experience in 1995. Not sure. I know my experience wasn’t the best. Even though my bishop was amazingly sensitive and supportive, I was still told to go back home to my abuser until he could talk to other leaders and confirm the right way to proceed. I lived back at home with my abuser for almost a week before the abuse was finally reported. However, that’s way better than the seven years that this poor girl, MJ, and her sister needlessly suffered through after their bishop knew.
Our church finally developed and released its own youth protection training for our worldwide membership in the latter part of 2019. It’s been around for a total of THREE years. It is a 25 minute animated training video that barely brushes the surface of how to protect our youth and report abuse. Before that we depended on the Boy Scouts of America's youth protection training, but that was only required for any adult members who were directly involved in our chartered Scouting program with the boys.
Why is our church institution so slow to change when it comes to the safety and advocacy of women and children? It’s good at saying it cares, but does its actions match up? And does it welcome feedback or disdain it? In my experience, our leaders only make changes after very massive outside pressure, not of their own accord. And even more troubling, those promoting institutional change are often ignored or even actively silenced. Sam Young was an advocate for better church policies to protect children and youth. He was excommunicated for being too critical, yet afterward the church implemented many of his safety suggestions.
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Q. Why does the church institution refuse to apologize for those that have been hurt or marginalized by its imperfect man-made practices?
Our church has a history of making mistakes, just like most churches do. However, our church leaders refuse to apologize.
The leader next in line to become our prophet, Dallan H. Oaks has said:
“I know that the history of the church is not to seek apologies or to give them,” Oaks said in an interview. “We sometimes look back on issues and say, ‘Maybe that was counterproductive for what we wish to achieve,’ but we look forward and not backward.”
The church doesn’t “seek apologies,” he said, “and we don’t give them.” (Salt Lake Tribune; Jan 30, 2015)
The church’s response to the abuse story reported in the AP news article not only wasn't apologetic, but went on the attack, claiming the AP News was in error in their report. It didn’t show any remorse or empathy that these girls were abused under the knowledge of priesthood leaders. And based on this response, I don't doubt that our institution will continue to promote clergy-confidentiality privilege over protecting victims.
The only truly empathetic response for abuse victims that I’ve ever heard from a church leader is Patrick Kearon’s talk from April 2022.
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Q. Gospel vs. Church. How do I reconcile the two?
I've been grappling with a lot on my faith journey the past year or two. My faith in the gospel of Jesus Christ literally saved my life and eventually helped me find healing and forgiveness after a traumatic childhood. I can never deny my love for my Heavenly Parents, my Savior, and their teachings. I hold the covenants that I’ve made precious and sacred, and I can’t deny the spiritual strength they’ve given me. But I’m rapidly losing faith in this institution that carries the precious gospel that I love. It’s becoming too damaging for me to tolerate well. 💔 So now I'm asking myself:
Can I still financially support (pay tithing) to an institution that could allow, no matter how subtle, such pervasive abuse practices?
Am I still comfortable sustaining the church’s leaders?
Am I still comfortable attending the temple, Sunday services, or serving in the church, etc?
How can I do any of this without feeling like a hypocrite?
I still believe in the beautiful gospel of Jesus Christ. I just don't love His church institution anymore. Can I separate the two somehow? Can I embrace the one while distancing myself from the other?
I'm not sure.
I’m not sure about any of this.
I do know that I feel broken and betrayed.
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Q. So what now? Where do I go from here?
My biggest question I'm asking myself is can I affect more change within or outside of this institution? So far, I've chosen to be a voice from within. And I have become more vocal lately. Will I be silenced soon for voicing up? As a woman in this institution, do I even have a voice that matters? Do I have a voice that any leaders will listen to? Do I have a voice that has any power to affect any change in this institution?
I don't know.
I don’t know what to do about any of this, other than to pray for continued healing for MJ and her sister, and to continue to share my own story of incest to shed the shame and shine the light on corrupt secrets.
I do know I can volunteer in my own community and make a difference to help organizations that strive to protect children and advocate for abuse victims. I can make a difference where I stand and be the adult I wish I had when I was a child.
For any that haven’t heard my story, and need to know that healing is possible from something as tragic as pervasive sexual child abuse, it’s episode 522 on Richard Ostler’s podcast.