The scripture verses in chapter 36 of Alma have been a major driving force in my journey to healing. It's message is central to understanding how Jesus Christ takes away all that junky, bitter "yuckiness" inside. This chapter explains how Christ's atonement heals! Because of this, I knew this bit of scripture had to be the first I'd share here. This is a long entry, but hang in there because it's worth it!
Last Sunday, I had the pleasure of teaching the children in Primary (ages 3-11) all about Alma the Younger. The story of Alma is found in our L.D.S. book of scripture called the Book of Mormon. The Book of Mormon is a companion to the Bible. Like the Bible, it testifies of Jesus Christ. It tells us of many prophet's lives, their struggles, and their motivational messages to us. The story of Alma the Younger can be found in Mosiah chapter 27, but I'll paraphrase quickly:
Alma the Younger had a prophet for a Dad. I can only imagine the kind of pressure that would go along with growing up as a prophet's child! Alma decided to rebell. I don't know if it was for attention, or truly because he was feeding the darkness in his heart. He was best friends with the King's sons. As young men, they went around lying and condemning all those that believed in Christ and persuaded many not to believe in the gospel. He was literally trying to destroy the church and the people in it by appealing to their logic, to their physical appetites, and to their social desires. They practiced the ultimate in negative peer pressure!
His dad, the prophet, still loved Alma, and never gave up on him! I'm sure he prayed for his son daily. He prayed for him with all of his heart! And when a prophet prays, that's pretty powerful stuff! The Lord heard, and answered his prayers.
An angel came to Alma the Younger and his friends. These young guys were terrified, and rightly so. The angel told them to remember their God, and to stop destroying the church. After the angel left, Alma was in such a state of shock, that he lay in a coma. His friends had to carry him back to his father, the prophet. Alma was in this comatose state for three days. The people prayed and fasted for him. On the third day, Alma arose and joyfully declared that he had repented and had been "redeemed of the Lord." He spent the rest of his life as a missionary and a servant to the Lord, trying to repair the damage he had done earlier in his life.
With the Primary children, we focused on the steps of repentance that Alma the Younger went through. The fundamental lesson of Alma the Younger's story: we can repent of our mistakes, like Alma, and be forgiven and redeemed of the Lord through his miraculous atonement. Repenting helps us get rid of that "yuckiness" inside when we do something wrong. We feel much better and at peace after we've repented. Pretty simple and straightforward, right?
The only problem is that this lesson misses the boat on one MAJOR thing! How do I get rid of the yuckiness inside when it wasn't me who made the mistakes?!? This is the question I had throughout my childhood and throughout my later quest for healing. I knew I had nothing to repent of, not like Alma the Younger. His story was for sinners that needed to repent like my Dad, not for me!
Although I make plenty of mistakes, in this case, I did not sin! I did NOT choose to be abused! It was NOT my fault! And it wasn't fair! I didn't deserve this! It made me furious that I was racked with what felt like eternal pain and torment because of something that happened to me completely out of my control. Why was I being punished with the yuckiness, when it wasn't my sin, when it wasn't my fault?!? It took many years of prayer, and a ton of soul-searching, and a little more maturity before I realized the potent power in Alma 36. My answers were indeed there.
In this chapter, Alma the Younger is an older man. He is reflecting on this critical turning point in his life. He reveals the dramatic internal struggle he waged while in his three-day coma. He recalls:
12 I was racked with eternal torment , for my soul was harrowed up to the greatest degree and racked with all my sins.
13 Yea, I did remember all my sins and iniquities, for which I was tormented with the pains of hell; yea, I saw that I had rebelled against my God, and that I had not kept his holy commandments.
16 And now, for three days and for three nights was I racked, even with the pains of a damned soul.
The pain and torment that Alma the Younger describes here is exactly how I felt for several years. The internal pain was intense. It was was so real, so tangible, that I swear any medical imaging device would have seen it. This emotional pain was crippling. I didn't have the luxury of lying in a coma while experiencing it like Alma did. In someways I did feel comatose though. I lived, but my world was a dark, depressive, zombie-like state of being. The pain was exhausting, debilitating. I felt damned. But it wasn't my fault! It wasn't fair! I had nothing to repent of, so how could I free myself from it?!?
Alma's answer:
17 And it came to pass that as I was thus racked with torment, while I was harrowed up by the memory of my many sins, behold, I remembered also to have heard my father prophesy unto the people concerning the coming of one Jesus Christ, a Son of God, to atone for the sins of the world.
18 Now, as my mind caught hold upon this thought, I cried within my heart: O Jesus, thou Son of God, have mercy on me, who am in the gall of bitterness, and am encircled about by the everlasting chains of death.
19 And now, behold, when I thought this, I could remember my pains no more; yea, I was harrowed up by the memory of my sins no more.
I wanted this more than anything! What would it feel like to NOT be racked with all of those evil memories of my childhood?!? What would it feel like to be FREE of the all-consuming pain that dominated my life?!? I realized that the steps Alma went through to release his own horrendous burden, were the same steps I too must go through. The repentance process IS a HEALING process. It didn't matter that it wasn't MY sins. Either way, I still desperately needed to heal from the effects of those sins no matter who's they were.
The atonement of Jesus Christ HEALS, no matter who inflicts the wounds! No, it's not fair, but healing was a must! I just couldn't live with the dark alternative any longer.
I prayed to my Heavenly Father with all the fervor of my heart. I begged him to have mercy on me. I begged for the pain to go away. I pleaded for the miracle of the atonement to take place in my heart. It didn't happen for me instantaneously within three days like it did for Alma. For me it took TEN years. I do know not know why. I prayed versions of this prayer many, many times. I was comforted, but the pain, the memories, and the depression continued. It gradually lessened in intensity though. The memories haunted me less frequently as the years went by. Maybe I'm just a slow learner. Maybe my faith was not as strong as Alma's. Maybe there was a purpose in waiting for full peace. But, peace did eventually come! And when it came, I felt as marvelous as Alma!
20 And oh, what joy, and what marvelous light I did behold; yea, my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain!
21 Yea, I say unto you, my son, that there could be nothing so exquisite and so bitter as were my pains. Yea, and again I say unto you, my son, that on the other hand, there can be nothing so exquisite and sweet as was my joy.
I now feel blessed to be able to know and feel the extremes in both joy and pain. My sense of joy would not feel nearly as poignantly sweet without first experiencing the rancid bitterness of my past. I've cried what seems like gallons of bitter tears of misery. Now I get to enjoy the occasional sweet tears of pure joy.
I wouldn't wish abuse of any kind on anyone! It was by far the hardest, cruelest thing I can ever imagine experiencing. It was a long, tough road full of confusion, hopelessness, and misery. It shaped me into who I am today. It helped me develop a better sense of empathy and compassion for others who also hurt. It has strengthened me as I somehow persevered over this major trial along with all of it's life-long side effects. I still battle with some minor side-effects of my abusive childhood, but that debilitating "yuckiness" has been removed. I'm far from perfect, but I am at peace with my life and who I've become. Because of many tender mercies and the one mighty miracle of Christ's atoning sacrifice, I am healed!
What's more important, is that this miracle of healing works for anyone and everyone who has faith and believes in the power of Jesus Christ! Yes, we ALL are meant to find joy and peace and healing in this life! We deserve it! God wants it for us! He loves us! And Christ has already paid the price. We just have to accept his miraculous gift and exercise faith that it WILL happen for us too.
Alma the Younger had a prophet for a Dad. I can only imagine the kind of pressure that would go along with growing up as a prophet's child! Alma decided to rebell. I don't know if it was for attention, or truly because he was feeding the darkness in his heart. He was best friends with the King's sons. As young men, they went around lying and condemning all those that believed in Christ and persuaded many not to believe in the gospel. He was literally trying to destroy the church and the people in it by appealing to their logic, to their physical appetites, and to their social desires. They practiced the ultimate in negative peer pressure!
His dad, the prophet, still loved Alma, and never gave up on him! I'm sure he prayed for his son daily. He prayed for him with all of his heart! And when a prophet prays, that's pretty powerful stuff! The Lord heard, and answered his prayers.
An angel came to Alma the Younger and his friends. These young guys were terrified, and rightly so. The angel told them to remember their God, and to stop destroying the church. After the angel left, Alma was in such a state of shock, that he lay in a coma. His friends had to carry him back to his father, the prophet. Alma was in this comatose state for three days. The people prayed and fasted for him. On the third day, Alma arose and joyfully declared that he had repented and had been "redeemed of the Lord." He spent the rest of his life as a missionary and a servant to the Lord, trying to repair the damage he had done earlier in his life.
With the Primary children, we focused on the steps of repentance that Alma the Younger went through. The fundamental lesson of Alma the Younger's story: we can repent of our mistakes, like Alma, and be forgiven and redeemed of the Lord through his miraculous atonement. Repenting helps us get rid of that "yuckiness" inside when we do something wrong. We feel much better and at peace after we've repented. Pretty simple and straightforward, right?
The only problem is that this lesson misses the boat on one MAJOR thing! How do I get rid of the yuckiness inside when it wasn't me who made the mistakes?!? This is the question I had throughout my childhood and throughout my later quest for healing. I knew I had nothing to repent of, not like Alma the Younger. His story was for sinners that needed to repent like my Dad, not for me!
Although I make plenty of mistakes, in this case, I did not sin! I did NOT choose to be abused! It was NOT my fault! And it wasn't fair! I didn't deserve this! It made me furious that I was racked with what felt like eternal pain and torment because of something that happened to me completely out of my control. Why was I being punished with the yuckiness, when it wasn't my sin, when it wasn't my fault?!? It took many years of prayer, and a ton of soul-searching, and a little more maturity before I realized the potent power in Alma 36. My answers were indeed there.
In this chapter, Alma the Younger is an older man. He is reflecting on this critical turning point in his life. He reveals the dramatic internal struggle he waged while in his three-day coma. He recalls:
12 I was racked with eternal torment , for my soul was harrowed up to the greatest degree and racked with all my sins.
13 Yea, I did remember all my sins and iniquities, for which I was tormented with the pains of hell; yea, I saw that I had rebelled against my God, and that I had not kept his holy commandments.
16 And now, for three days and for three nights was I racked, even with the pains of a damned soul.
The pain and torment that Alma the Younger describes here is exactly how I felt for several years. The internal pain was intense. It was was so real, so tangible, that I swear any medical imaging device would have seen it. This emotional pain was crippling. I didn't have the luxury of lying in a coma while experiencing it like Alma did. In someways I did feel comatose though. I lived, but my world was a dark, depressive, zombie-like state of being. The pain was exhausting, debilitating. I felt damned. But it wasn't my fault! It wasn't fair! I had nothing to repent of, so how could I free myself from it?!?
Alma's answer:
17 And it came to pass that as I was thus racked with torment, while I was harrowed up by the memory of my many sins, behold, I remembered also to have heard my father prophesy unto the people concerning the coming of one Jesus Christ, a Son of God, to atone for the sins of the world.
18 Now, as my mind caught hold upon this thought, I cried within my heart: O Jesus, thou Son of God, have mercy on me, who am in the gall of bitterness, and am encircled about by the everlasting chains of death.
19 And now, behold, when I thought this, I could remember my pains no more; yea, I was harrowed up by the memory of my sins no more.
I wanted this more than anything! What would it feel like to NOT be racked with all of those evil memories of my childhood?!? What would it feel like to be FREE of the all-consuming pain that dominated my life?!? I realized that the steps Alma went through to release his own horrendous burden, were the same steps I too must go through. The repentance process IS a HEALING process. It didn't matter that it wasn't MY sins. Either way, I still desperately needed to heal from the effects of those sins no matter who's they were.
The atonement of Jesus Christ HEALS, no matter who inflicts the wounds! No, it's not fair, but healing was a must! I just couldn't live with the dark alternative any longer.
I prayed to my Heavenly Father with all the fervor of my heart. I begged him to have mercy on me. I begged for the pain to go away. I pleaded for the miracle of the atonement to take place in my heart. It didn't happen for me instantaneously within three days like it did for Alma. For me it took TEN years. I do know not know why. I prayed versions of this prayer many, many times. I was comforted, but the pain, the memories, and the depression continued. It gradually lessened in intensity though. The memories haunted me less frequently as the years went by. Maybe I'm just a slow learner. Maybe my faith was not as strong as Alma's. Maybe there was a purpose in waiting for full peace. But, peace did eventually come! And when it came, I felt as marvelous as Alma!
20 And oh, what joy, and what marvelous light I did behold; yea, my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain!
21 Yea, I say unto you, my son, that there could be nothing so exquisite and so bitter as were my pains. Yea, and again I say unto you, my son, that on the other hand, there can be nothing so exquisite and sweet as was my joy.
I now feel blessed to be able to know and feel the extremes in both joy and pain. My sense of joy would not feel nearly as poignantly sweet without first experiencing the rancid bitterness of my past. I've cried what seems like gallons of bitter tears of misery. Now I get to enjoy the occasional sweet tears of pure joy.
I wouldn't wish abuse of any kind on anyone! It was by far the hardest, cruelest thing I can ever imagine experiencing. It was a long, tough road full of confusion, hopelessness, and misery. It shaped me into who I am today. It helped me develop a better sense of empathy and compassion for others who also hurt. It has strengthened me as I somehow persevered over this major trial along with all of it's life-long side effects. I still battle with some minor side-effects of my abusive childhood, but that debilitating "yuckiness" has been removed. I'm far from perfect, but I am at peace with my life and who I've become. Because of many tender mercies and the one mighty miracle of Christ's atoning sacrifice, I am healed!
What's more important, is that this miracle of healing works for anyone and everyone who has faith and believes in the power of Jesus Christ! Yes, we ALL are meant to find joy and peace and healing in this life! We deserve it! God wants it for us! He loves us! And Christ has already paid the price. We just have to accept his miraculous gift and exercise faith that it WILL happen for us too.