I used to think I was the one and only one (besides my sister of course) that had ever been through the physical and psychological onslaught of sexual abuse. There was no one I could turn to. There was no one I could talk to about it. I felt so alone.
I went through a period of time where I researched as much as I could on the topic. I wanted so desperately to get better. I thought if I could understand what happened to me through a logical, academic sense then I'd be able to understand how to move on from it. I read what little there was available at the time. I found a few self-help books, one or two spiritually uplifting books on healing, and an occasional graphic memoir of someone else's harrowing tale of domestic violence or rape or abuse. There were a few scientific articles about sexual abuse in sociology or psychology magazines. In them were statistics of reported abuse among our nation. The numbers were low. Most sexual child abuse went unreported it said. Somehow they calculated the estimated numbers of believed female abuse victims in our country. Through complex algorithms and correlations, etc, the statistic was ONE out of THREE women would be molested, raped, or inappropriately touched before they were 18 years old. I don't have any sources or proof of this. It was back in the 90's when I was reading up on the numbers. I remember reading it from multiple sources: one in three girls. Wow. Those are some pretty staggering numbers!
After getting married, my husband and I started a family. We had THREE girls within four years. I used to cry at night, sometimes while holding one of them. I was so worried I'd fail them as their parent, as their protector. Through my tears I'd tell my husband that statistically ONE of our sweet daughters is going to be abused. Which one? What can I do to prevent it? How can I defend our precious babies against the hard, cold numbers?!? How will I be able to cope if I find out one day, that one of them must face the same pain that I suffered through? I couldn't let that happen. I had to beat the numbers!!!
Gratefully, they've been safe. At least as far as we know. Those three little girls are teenagers now, and we talk to them. From a young age, we've had talks about good touches and bad touches. We've talked about stranger danger. We've talked about good, temporary secrets (for birthdays or Christmas, etc) and about bad secrets. We've even role-played different scenarios so that they can practice what they'd do and say in certain situations. We've talked to them about not being afraid to tell us if something happens that made them feel yucky. We've told them to tell ANYONE. Even if they're not comfortable talking to us, we'd still rather them talk to a teacher or an ecclesiastical leader or a friend than NOBODY at all.
In a more general sense, we've taught them to be confident from a young age. We've encouraged them to stand up for themselves. We've told them that they should never feel "less-than" just because they're littler than an adult, or because they're a girl, or just because someone tries to pick on them. We've also taught them to NEVER make anyone else feel "less-than" either. We've talked about the virtues of tolerance, patience, and healthy communication. We've talked about abuse in all it's forms. I call them on it if they even remotely start verbally or physically picking one of their siblings. Picking on someone IS a form of abuse. They have been taught that. We've taught them to watch their behavior, watch their words, and to act and dress appropriately for the situation they're in. And we keep talking about it. Not obsessively so, but usually a few times a year the topic will come up with each child because of something that happens in normal life. "Oh, you had an assembly on bullying today? Can you tell me about it?" or "I don't think what you've picked out to wear to the party is the most appropriate choice. Can I tell you why? Can we see what other cute options are in your closet?" or "Your friend was crying today because some others were teasing her? That sounds sad. What did you do?"
Between the support, love, and education that our daughters are getting at home plus the bit of education they get at school about stranger danger, sex, and/or bullying, I think it's some steps in the right direction.
I've looked up some statistics recently. While they're slightly better than I remember from many years ago, they're still staggering. As of 2012, the numbers are ONE out of FIVE girls will be a victim of sexual abuse.
- 1 in 5 girls and 1 in 20 boys is a victim of child sexual abuse;
- Self-report studies show that 20% of adult females and 5-10% of adult males recall a childhood sexual assault or sexual abuse incident;
- During a one-year period in the U.S., 16% of youth ages 14 to 17 had been sexually victimized;
- Over the course of their lifetime, 28% of U.S. youth ages 14 to 17 had been sexually victimized;
- Children are most vulnerable to sexual abuse between the ages of 7 and 13.
- 3 out of 4 adolescents who have been sexually assaulted were victimized by someone they knew well.
- An estimated 60% of perpetrators of sexual abuse are known to the child but are not family members, e.g., family friends, babysitters, childcare providers, neighbors.
- About 30% of perpetrators are family members, e.g., fathers, brothers, uncles, cousins.
- Just 10% of perpetrators are strangers to the child.
- In most cases, the perpetrator is male regardless of whether the victim is a boy or girl. Heterosexual and gay men are equally likely to sexually abuse children. A perception that most perpetrators are gay men is a myth and harmful stereotype.
- Some perpetrators are female -- It is estimated that women are the abusers in about 14% of cases reported among boys and 6% of cases reported among girls.
- Child pornographers and other abusers who are strangers may make contact with children via the Internet.
- Not all perpetrators are adults - an estimated 23% of reported cases of child sexual abuse are perpetrated by individuals under the age of 18.
- Some CDC research has estimated that approximately 1 in 6 boys and 1 in 4 girls are sexually abused before the age of 18.
- Other governmental research has estimated that approximately 300,000 children are abused every year in the United States.
- However, accurate statistics on the prevalence of sexual abuse of children and adolescents are difficult to collect because it is vastly underreported and there are differing definitions of what constitutes sexual abuse.
- Most mental health and child protection professionals agree that child sexual abuse is not uncommon and is a serious problem in the United States.
http://www.apa.org/pi/families/resources/child-sexual-abuse.aspx
http://www.victimsofcrime.org/media/reporting-on-child-sexual-abuse/child-sexual-abuse-statistics
These numbers can be scary and overwhelming. They do make me want to cry. But even more, they make me want to do something about it! We can BEAT THOSE NUMBERS! Our children deserve a safe environment where they can grow up without the fear of abuse.
The only way we're ever going to get the numbers on our side is more education for parents, teachers, and especially for our children. I've found that educating our own children has been a tricky balancing act. I don't want to scare them and turn them into timid little things who always worry about the worst-case scenario. Nope. We've tried to build them with confidence and reassure them that in the slightest chance that something scary does happen, they will know exactly what to do. I just hope it's enough!