Last weekend as I sat with a group of women sharing our hopes and successes of being an author, the discussion weaved its course on the topic of survival. Many of our stories include surviving tough stuff. Then more intimately and bravely we discussed surviving sexual abuse. SIX out the SEVEN of us women raised our hand, admitting that yes, we survived sexual abuse to some degree. That visual seared into my memory. I will never be able to forget those hands pointing vertically, tentatively rising higher, humbly, courageously. There was a collective stillness as realization hit. We sat in solidarity, acknowledging that we survived this all too common blight in society. I looked into these women’s eyes and saw their strength, their brilliance, their tenacity to be more than a statistic. But what a statistic this table of women were!
So what ARE the odds?
It depends on the source, and whether violence is included:
- 1 out of 5 girls, 1 in 20 boys.
- 1 out of 4 girls, 1 out of 13 boys.
- 1 out of 3 girls, 1 in 5 boys.
- 1 out of 6 teens (16% of all U.S. teens) in a one year period.
- 1 child every 9 minutes.
- Of these victims, 1 out of 3 are under age 12.
Why do these numbers matter anyway?
Maybe these numbers below matter even more:
- Only around 38% disclose sexual abuse.
- 93% of perpetrators are well known by the child.
- 70% of child sexual offenders have between 1 and 9 victims, while 20% have 10 to 40 victims.
- Sex abuse survivors are about 4 times more likely to develop symptoms of drug abuse, 4 times more likely to experience PTSD as adults, and 3 times more likely to experience a major depressive episode as adults.
- Total lifetime economic burden of child sexual abuse in the U.S. is estimated at $9.3 billion.
- If rape and other sexual assault is included, the financial U.S. burden is closer to $450 billion.
I’ll ask again. Do these numbers matter?
As we sit in school or church classes, it matters. It matters on the playground. It matters with colleagues at work. It matters on our social media conversations. It matters at home with our children. It matters.
It matters that 33% of women or more are survivors of one kind or another. It matters how we act, how we talk, how we treat seemingly benign topics, how we approach others. If I were to teach a lesson about modesty and chastity in church to a youth group, knowing that statistically 1 of 4 have been abused in some way, that would change my approach. It will inform my sensitivity and compassion. Gone are the days of comparing girls to chewed up gum or roughed up roses or wooden boards marred with nail holes. Yes, our scars our permanent, but the onus of the damage is most likely not our own. We did not cause ourselves to be chewed up, roughed up, or marred.
On a more extreme note, I remember too often hearing about a missing woman on the news. A runner, an ex-girlfriend, a mother, or a teen. These women would later be found dead, raped, left like the refuse they were treated as. Then the comments come rolling in on the news sites. “Why was she out running alone like that?” “Why didn’t she just protect herself?” “She should have known better.” “Why was she wearing that?” The blame for her violent treatment is put on the woman. Somehow, it’s her responsibility to control the men in her life by altering her routines, behavior, her clothing. If she deviates at all, there it is! There’s the instigating factor for the incident.
Is safety an inherent right for all, in all spaces, with all people? Yes. Emphatically yes. But in practice, not so much. Finding physically and emotionally safe spaces is harder to come by for women and other marginalized groups. We’re better than this. When so many churches and homes aren’t even safe, we need to address this issue publicly and loudly and demand our inherent right to physical and emotional safety.
This can come with simple, civil steps of teaching and learning compassion in our speech, sensitivity in our behavior, and awareness to questionable signs. Ignorance or turning a blind eye can no longer be an excuse. We can do better. Let’s start educating each other now. If it can prevent the abuse of just one tiny soul, isn’t it worth the effort?