Trigger warning.
This may feel provocative and inflammatory to some, especially for some members of our Mormon religion. I’m sorry, that’s not my intention in speaking to this. This is me, writing my own biased, lived, cultural experience within the church that I love. This does not speak to all male or female members of our church in every situation, just some of my general observations overall.
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“I just loved you too much, and I didn’t know how to show it in the right way.”
This was the apology given to me on several occasions by my father. This was the mindset that he fed himself to justify sexual abuse for 16 years. He attempted to put me on a pedestal by proclaiming his professed love for me to convince me why his treatment of me and my sister was reasonable.
Now I’m going to make a big cognitive leap and connect this line of thinking to something that I’ve been deeply thinking about lately.
I love the gospel tenets of the Church of Jesus Christ. I believe in its beautiful truths of God and love and atonement and mercy and grace and forgiveness. However, the culture of us very human members in our patriarchal church institution can be a whole other beast. And I love the gospel of Jesus Christ way too much to leave it over inept human culture, but sometimes I long for more—culturally speaking.
Most of us members of this church have grown up being taught of eternal families, heavenly parents, and of our divine potential to become Godlike ourselves. Our patriarchal church system gives us leaders and husbands who praise and laud the women in their lives. They continually put us on a pedestal with their well-meaning flattery and chauvinistic manners.
Then in the same moment, we’re taught that even though we have glorious eternal potential like our Heavenly Mother, we’re not allowed to talk to Her. We’re not allowed to know Her name. She’s not present in our temple endowment ceremony. We’re not allowed to believe that She communicates to us in any way. We’re told that speculation or demanding more revelation about Her is “arrogant and unproductive.” [Renlund, April 2022]
I feel like we’re telling Heavenly Mother, “We just love you too much, and we don’t know how to show it in the right way.”
We women in our church are only allowed to have stewardship opportunities over other women or children, not men (with the rare exception of male Primary teachers). We’re given very gender specific roles as the ideal way to live within our families. We’re only allowed to be sealed eternally to one man, but men can be sealed to multiple women. And on and on.
I feel like we women in our church institution are being told, “We just love you too much, and we don’t know how to show it in the right way.”
Don’t get me wrong, I’m here to stay. I've been blessed abundantly by my church, and I love my Savior Jesus Christ too much to leave. But I also know there’s room for awareness, and much needed room for improvement in this cultural dynamic of our church institution.
I’ve already seen much progress. I’m waiting for more.
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P.S. Here’s the thing about placing women on pedestals:
1) It is a disservice to both genders.
2) It separates us further from men.
3) It flatteringly placates us into submission.
(This may not be intentional, but either way the result is for us to NOT administrate over men.)
4) It falsely convinces men (and many women) that they are respecting and honoring us. They honestly think they are being gracious and generous and creating an atmosphere of equality with their words.
Some women might love their pedestal. Some may not even realize they’ve been put on one. But I think a lot of us women recognize it, and would rather just work right alongside men in the trenches instead, brainstorming together, communicating together, preparing together, deciding together, improving together, praying together, ministering AND administering together.
The key word: together.
No pedestals needed.